Interview with the Author: Supposing I wanted to date a white guy

in Intercultural dating

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The world speaks about how interracial marriage between black and white is increasing in America and why the Lovings deserve respect for overthrowing the ban of interracial marriage. But what the world isn’t very aware of is the dating crisis that exists in the black society today.

We read about black women lashing on their black brothers for marrying white women and calling black women traitors for marrying white men. There are questions of why Halle Berry had to explain apologetically to journalists that she did try to date and marry not one but in fact two black men when asked about her marriage to a white man. But author Halima Sal-Anderson explains in her book “Supposing I wanted to date a white guy …” why black women must stop their ideology of preserving the black race and instead must consider dating a white man.

Caution: This interview is a departure from all the sweet things that you read about on this blog. This is about some pretty hard stuff that black women are dealing nowadays and you may find it negative but author Halima Sal-Anderson brings them out as they are, no matter what!

Glee: Hi Halima!

Reading about your book gave me an impression that it aims to liberate black women from their dating-crisis plight and to encourage them to start casting a wider net in dating and not limit their search only within their league.

A lot of non-black people aren’t aware of the dating culture among blacks and the problems that black women face nowadays in finding a mate. Can you give us a little background about what exactly is the problem of black women in dating and why there’s a need to liberate them?

H: I probably wouldn’t put it as bluntly as ‘liberate’ but yes the book does aim at dislodging black women’s mental chains.

It took me a while to get to the root of the story behind black woman’s reluctance to broaden their dating horizons even in the face of a dating squeeze on the black front which would cause most others to ‘revise‘ their perspective! If you ask ’mainstream’ commentators, it is all about racism and white beauty standards, but I found that a lot of black women self-hinder. They wouldn’t open up to dating other men because there was all this ‘stuff’ they were suppose to be doing together with black men for the uplift of ‘black people’. Sadly many black men were and are not even remotely interested in the grand designs and scheme’s black women have for the black race and the result is that black women walk alone.

Glee: How do black men show their prejudice towards black women?

H: When I started writing the book I didn’t realize how deep misogyny went with black men, in fact I still thought that a significant number of black men and women could and would still be allies. Today and after so many years of exploring the situation I have come to the conclusion that the bulk of black men operate from a point of deep resentment and dislike of black women, for any broad scale alliance to be possible between the two. This is unlikely to change anytime soon, and bring black men and women into ‘partnership’ with each other.

The strangest thing however is that black women don’t seem to have observed the change; that black men are no longer their allies and that black men have stepped down from being their brothers and moved into the position of their ‘chief antagonists‘! This is despite the fact that black men have and continue to show their feelings clearly in all sorts of ways.

I believe this inability to ‘observe’ is all about being in denial and wanting so desperately for it not to be true that black men are no longer the beloved ‘brothers‘ they have been told and taught for so long. Don’t
forget that black people have had this dream about ‘overcoming’ ever since they arrived the shores of America as slaves and bound people. This dream of overcoming is very much tied into black men and women coming together. For many black women, to accept that ‘us overcoming together’ will no longer be
the case is essentially to abandon a sacred ‘precept’ that goes to the very heart of what black people are and what they should be and what they represent within the whole American narrative (a people who were never crushed).

In terms of what black men have now become with regards black women, we were told that black men were simply projecting their internal self-hate issues unto black women, but I remember a brilliant writer who happened to be a white male challenged the whole notion of black men being self hating. His argument was that black men couldn’t be ‘self’ hating’ if they were careful to look after their best interests and focus on self-aggrandizement every time. He challenged us to consider that black men were ‘black women
hating’, not ‘self-hating’. When you note that indeed black men act in a very self-prioritizing way, it is hard to argue with his theory.

Ultimately the conclusion I reached was that black men perceive black women as their rivals (when they don’t see them as their personal resources basket indeed these are two main axis along which black men relate to black women). Their actions towards black women can clearly be seen as actions of people
who perceive black women as rivals for white patronage and white endorsement. For example, reports are increasing that black men are maligning black women in the presence of white people, are constantly
spreading bad PR about black women, their looks, their attitude etc. etc. (you can find thousands if You tube videos by black men proclaiming black women to be all sorts of negative things!). These are all classic signs of rival behavior, it also shows that black men can no longer safely be considered ’brothers’, the persistence of this ‘black men are our brothers’ idea is dangerous because it disarms black women when they should really be on guard.

Glee: What can black women do in order to enforce respect from black men?

H: Very little but keep away from many, and in particular those who haven’t declared by their actions, to be allies of black women. Often black women are under instruction to read into black men’s comments, positive gestures towards themselves even when what they, black men, are saying is neutral at best. Or they complete the comments or spin them ‘positively’ even when black men were actually saying something negative. It is one of the ‘black community’ protocols that black women will have to unlearn to have a healthy
and realistic grasp on their reality (I go into more detail about this issue in my new e-book ‘First Course in Black Women Empowerment’, coming out in Summer 2011).

Glee: Do you think the majority of black male prefer to date white women than black women? Why?

H: It is difficult to say, but it shouldn’t matter as black women widen their options to include other men. There is a premium placed on white in our society and we cannot deny that black men are now happy to openly respond according to the dictates of society.

Glee: Based from the current statistics, the ratio of single black women to single black men is extremely in a disadvantage for bw. Is it because it’s easier for black men to marry a white woman than for black women to marry a white man?

H: The ratios are the way they are for a number of reasons and black men dating other women is just one of the factors. Women tend to outnumber men by a slight margin generally which is even more elevated within the black group, in addition to that, many black men are physical absent either through incarceration or untimely deaths (gangs etc). Out of the available, not all men want to marry (in fact many black men may see no reason to marry given a surplus supply of women chasing after them and offering all the benefits of
marriage without them needing to offer marriage), other black men in the available group may not even be ’marriage material’ i.e. they might be long term unemployed etc etc.

There are those who do say that black men have more access to the interracial option than black women and they point to black men dating outside the race almost twice the rate of black women as ’proof’. However it is impossible to tell if black women have reached their interracial dating limits as it stands, because many black women are not even open to white and other men! There are signs that black women’s interracial dating is now growing at an astronomical rate, some stats say at over twice the rate at
which black men currently date out, therefore we may soon see a closing of the gap between the numbers of black men who date out and the number of black women who do.

Glee: In a nutshell, tell us about your book “Supposing I wanted to date a White Guy…” and how it solves the problems of black women?

H: The book is structured for three aims, the first is that it takes black women on an ‘eye opening’ journey into why they find themselves, we find ourselves in the predicament we are in; struggling with the black family
alone, struggling to find love and some respite from the many burdens, demands and expectations placed on black women.

The book also introduces black women to the idea of being ‘open’ to other men (and it seems strange that many are still hesitant in the 21st century!), that it is alright to take on this option. Lastly it provides them with ‘guidance’ on how to get into an interracial union. That’s it in a nutshell. It is in e-book format.

Buy the Date a White Guy book here!

I also have *two other e-books* out in summer 2011, and one is specifically for white men who as significant readers of my writings, have been keen to get the ‘lowdown’ on what black women think about them and interracial relationships. The e-book is titled, ‘Do Black Women with Afros date White Guys?’ The other e-book is ‘First Course in Black Women Empowerment’ and as the name suggests, it is primarily targeted at black women.

Unfortunately the *currently formulated black community* is in the business of giving black women the wrong advice, almost to keep them ’in hand’ for the work of ‘community’ which they know black men have given up. Black women need all the genuine information they can get and I would advice black women to buy as many books from Black Women Empowerment (BWE) writers. It will do them good and clear a whole lot of the fog they are deliberate trapped in.

Glee: Based from the title of your book, do you suggest that in order for black women to find a potential partner and be happy in marriage, they should have relationship with a white man?

H: There is good and bad in every race and that is a fact, however over the years, analyzing the data and information that has been coming back to black women about their dating and marriage options, it is sad to say that black women might fare better focusing the bulk of their efforts on non-black men.

It was a hard admission for me and other BWE writers but we just couldn’t get over this conclusion even though we tried. For one, black marriages are one of the most unstable in the US. They fail at an alarming rate. Black women and white men marriages are actually one of the most enduring, I believe second only to white men and Asian women according to easily checked studies. If you add this to all other issues around black men numbers, interest in getting married, track records regarding family abandonment etc. etc, it just gets grim and gets to the point where if you are really trying to be totally honest and importantly if you care even one bit about black women, you will have to tell them to ‘be open’ and seriously prospect in the
interracial ‘waters’.

Glee: You’ve mentioned that it took you almost a decade of painful research and interviews to complete the book, what motivation sustained you in completing it for such a long time?

H: Writing is in the family, so I guess that was one tradition that I took in and one I understood needed real discipline and perseverance. I also knew that this was such an important book that had to be written and had to answer specific questions which no one wanted to answer for black women. Indeed there were attempts to push me off course! A number of the editors that worked on it tried to change its content.

Thank God I persevered because looking back now I know it was pitched the way it should have and has been the inspiration for so many other books and works for black women even broader than just relationships.

Glee: Are you in an interracial relationship?

H: At this present time I am not in an interracial relationship, but when I was in a relationship with a person of another race, I think I had already moved beyond the whole notion that somehow we have to be in a relationship with someone of ‘our race’. Such an argument was not ‘plausible’ to me. What is important is our values, the chemistry and that we wanted the same things out of life, essentially we are heading in the same direction. That’s it in brief.

Glee: What are the major challenges of an interracial dating and how should black women address them?

H: I think black women do a pretty good job when they date and marry white and other men, as a number of researches have highlighted i.e. that we have some of the most enduring marriages with other men even more enduring than the ‘norm’.

See: “But Will It Last?”: Marital Instability Among Interracial and Same-Race Couples

This is the reason why black women should never fear dating out (and I might say same for all other minority women!).

Marriage is about commitment and about going with your eyes open and doing a bit of homework and no one can accuse black women of taking interracial dating lightly when they do consider it!

Often it is outsiders and their interference that destabilizes mixed race relationships, and so having an effective reply or response to such outside forces is a good strategy.

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Sonia Peeples

I can only speak on my perspective and what I have seen, being a black woman and married to a white man. A lot of what the author spoke about made sense to me. I could understand why a human of color would feel that way. I believe it has a lot to do with the way you are raised. I was raised to be a free thinker, even in the South. I never got the feeling she described that sisters carry the whole Black Race. My eyes have always been open to dating outside of my race. Love is the most important factor to me. This article was very interesting and allowed me to see a closer view on Interracial Dating from a Black Woman’s side.

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