How Insecurity Negatively Affect Marriage

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I always thought I am confident. Although I´m almost entirely self-made, I enjoyed financial independence since I was twenty. I knew that my teaching career would be jeopardized after marriage and after moving to Germany (the country has a different educational system and my qualifications don´t apply), but nothing prepared me to the vulnerability of being out of work.

But I didn´t say “yes” to a German citizen without a plan. It was my dream to be able to put up my own business and work from home. Given that I probably wouldn´t be able to work as a teacher, I looked to online entrepreneurship as a solution – put up my websites, expand and monetize.

I was excited to officially start to work. It was on the second week since hubby and I arrived in Germany (hubby did fetch me up from Thailand) and his summer vacation was done. He had to go to work and so I was.

Why I Turned Insecure

Yet work for me meant getting up in the morning to prepare my husband´s breakfast, set the bed and kiss him goodbye as he leaves for work. Then I´ll settle in my working table and blog throughout the day. I was full of dreams, excited to expand my online territory. But shortly after a month, the reality sink in. Making money online isn´t an easy feat. It´s very unpredictable, very discouraging, very competitive and takes time (years) to take off.

The hardest part was facing the truth, that even if I tell myself that I´m working, that I´m not jobless, I don´t receive any paycheck at the end of the month. Insecurity started to crawl.

When I serve dinner and my husband would ask how long I deep fried the fish, I´d snap, “You have problem with the fish? You are so critical!” If he reminds me of an empty water bottle I´ve left lying beside the bed, I´d go mad telling him, “I don´t sit whole day doing nothing! I´m working!” My being over-sensitive and irritable triggered many fights.

The Effects of Insecurity to My Marriage

My husband was upset that anything he says I put negative meaning which creates clashes, ignites into fights and ending with me concluding that I´m not good enough because I don´t earn.

He was very surprised with how making money is so important for me to have self-worth. Once we both cool down he reminds me that he´s my husband and that it´s his obligation to take care of me, to provide for me, and that he doesn´t look down on me because I´m not earning. But this never pacified me.

In my B1 Deutsch class we happened to meet the female chief in our city hall who briefed us a little about Germany, the country´s politics and some history, and opened herself to questions at the end of her speech. I inquired about the possibility of me getting a job here as a teacher given my qualifications. But the answer, as expected, wasn´t favorable.

The biggest disadvantage to foreign teachers is Germany´s different educational curriculum. I may apply to international schools though, there must be a few in Berlin and in Frankfurt, but getting a job in these two cities is blurred. We live ten hours from Berlin and our city is an hour from Frankfurt by train.

If I´m to get a job, I would have to live close to my workplace. Commuting never works for me. I´ve a fragile state of health and stress due to daily commuting quickly weakens my immune system and I get sick. I´ve done that before but it never worked. Living separate from my husband however isn´t something we consider. I moved to Germany so we could be together and were sticking together. We don´t think living in separate places is healthy for marriage.

My blogs during this time were struggling to progress. I´ve chosen a niche which I love but is difficult to penetrate. From being insecure I was starting to get depressed and my behavior towards my husband wasn´t improving.

The Turning Point …

I think that my reaction to the situation where I´m in was partly due to the environment where I was exposed to, that unless you make good money, you hardly get respected and valued by the society. But isn´t that true just with any society? Your worth and value is calculated by how much money you make, by your financial status.

So consumed I was with this mentality that I also applied it to my new marriage. I forgot that my marriage isn´t like any judgemental society, that it´s my home. But I was hit and awakened when my husband, out of frustration asked me, “Would you treat me the way you think if I can´t work anymore? Would you look down on me if one day you happen to earn bigger than me?”

No, I wouldn´t do that to him! No I wouldn´t look down on him if I do earn bigger! That was my turning point.

I started to see how supportive my husband is to me and with the career that I´m carving for myself. He´s my photographer for my fashion blog, he inspires me with ideas, he advices me when I´m met with difficult decision making related to my websites, and most importantly, he encourages me whenever I feel like quiting. He´s just there beside me.

Peace came back to our relationship the moment I´ve gotten over my insecurities, and we´re happier.

Photo by: weheartit

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Sheila

I am so very happy that you were able to allow your husband to help you restore peace to your marriage. It is a blessing to have this in marriage as well as self. Continued success on your blog and much happiness, joy and peace for your marriage. And as always Thank You for sharing.

Glee

Thank you so much Sheila for your encouraging words. I´m always happy to read your comments. God bless you and your marriage too.

American Punjaban

I think many of us go through times like this. I know I feel stressed without my own money. It is a big adjustment. I’m glad you two were able to work through it!

Jem

We, women are such worriers, we worry about anything. On the other hand, I like men’s logical approach. And of course I’m happy to hear you overcome your issue with your husband’s help. It’s nice to hear couple working together for the success of their relationship.

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