I never thought such a tiny embryo, not bigger than my thumb, could cause so much sorrow for me and my husband. It made me ask why teenagers who are not ready to become parents get babies and some abort them while some couples who are in a much better position to raise a child are deprived of having babies. Why life is so unfair, so playful and tricky.
Through thick and thin
Before we got married, my husband and I agreed to not have babies for the first couple of years of our union. It was a plan that we successfully carried through. Then when we decided it was time we get a new member to our family, I purchased a book “Planning a Baby”. It was autumn 2010. I carefully followed the advice given in the book. I got to know my body better. But after about three months of trying and I still didn’t get pregnant, I started to get stressed out. I was surprised to find out that it wasn’t that easy. I was only in my mid thirties so I was sure I haven’t passed the borderline.
That winter was the worst of Britain’s in three decades and it instantly took its toll on me. I got depressed and much to my relief, I was relieved from my job. One burden off my shoulders and I thought I would feel better. But the weather was too much for me. I was crying for the tropical sun. My supportive husband asked me how long would a £500 last in the Philippines. I didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go to the Philippines without him. Plus going away would lessen my chance of getting pregnant as soon as possible. I decided to stay. We agreed to go together in winter.
One night I asked my husband what he wanted me to pray for and he told me to ask God to give us a baby. Months later I still couldn’t conceive.
In spring, my husband took me to a flower festival in Noto, one of the most ancient cities in Sicily. It was still chilly in England but it was already hot over there. Sometime around this time, I read in the newspaper that couples who go holidaying in a hot climate get more chances of having a baby. This gave me hope. But it was futile.
Summer came by and I was already getting nervous about the coming winter. I didn’t wanna feel the cold again. So I stipulated to my husband that I wanted to stay behind when we go to the Philippines in November. He agreed rather unwillingly. When I booked for the ticket, my heart was heavy as I gave different return dates. But I thought that either way was gonna be difficult for me–experiencing the cold or staying by myself. I have had enough of the former. It was unbearable, depressing, and I definitely didn’t wanna go through it again. Perhaps the latter wouldn’t be as bad but it’s heart-rending.
So we went to the Philippines in November taking my sister-in-law with us. My husband and his sister stayed about two weeks and flew back to England. I spent the winter with my family and there was never a day I was not out in the sun.
Keeping the marriage vow
I came back to England on the third week of January 2012 and in February I gave up hope of getting pregnant. And then it happened. First week of April, I tested positive. Words were not enough to describe how happy I was especially that I was not expecting it anymore. When my husband came home from work we hugged tight and smiled from ear to ear. We were extremely excited and couldn’t contain our happiness. We shared the news to our families and closest friends. The following weeks brought anticipations and I relished the care my husband was giving me.
But it didn’t last long. Something went wrong and I lost my pregnancy at eleventh week. It was devastating. But throughout the whole time, my husband and I didn’t let go of our trust in God. We stick closer together in joys and in sorrows.