Marriage Q&A: I Hit My Wife and She Left Me, What Should I Do?

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fixing marital problems
Your heart is like a vase; it breaks from lack of care, love, good communication and appreciation, and from violence.

Why do mother-in-laws negatively affect their children´s relationship?

I met her daughter & we fell in love. Everything was normal as she gave me a baby boy. We live happily as spouse in my house with open mind…….no grudging, nagging, suspicious, whatever.

After 2yrs of our love life, I discovered that my spouse started questioning my orders, suddenly became obsessed with my people {my parents & siblings} & no more respect to my family. She did things her way without my approval or notice. Her strange developed attitude baffles me to an extent I cannot comprehend. I went to her mom for complain, there I discovered that her behavior changed from her maternal home due to constant visiting & the evil/wrong advice she was offered to.

A woman I once cherished suddenly becomes a torn in my flesh. Honestly, my home became a theatre of war. As a young man, I prayed to my God to give me a soft heart to not lay my hands on any woman I’ll call my wife. From the advice she embraced, she warred with me to a stage she disrespected my father, our first daughter & my granny boastfully saying she doesn’t care about anyone. My father saw the anger in me tried to prevent me from acting, though he was too late as I broke my covenant with God by hitting her heavily. Just to cut the story, I still love her but that devilish spirit she’s not letting go off her &, she’s carrying my second child about to give birth.

Some of the negativity my mother-in-law influenced my wife are:

{i} disrespect & unsustainable
{II} stealing from me
{III} neglecting home duties
{iv} buying & storing properties outside maybe it led to divorce.
{v} to reveal our private plans, so that ,it can be used to weigh me down………etc.

I’m still in dark. The life I’m comfortable with is not the same as my wife had left the house.

From XJ

Hi XJ! I´m sorry that your marriage is currently in turmoil and that your wife had left, I hope that you´re currently feeling discomfort because you miss her and not because there´s no one in your home to take your orders and follow your commands anymore.

You have said that you were puzzled why your wife started questioning your orders after two years without grudging, nagging and suspicions. This baffled me, why would you give orders to your wife? Your wife isn´t your employee, you are not your wife´s employer, so you were not supposed to give orders around. Even if you are the one who provides for the family and your wife is the one who makes the home, still, you are not supposed to give orders and expect your commands to be followed without questions. Your wife is your partner; you are your wife´s partner.

God did instruct wives to submit to their husbands, but husbands are also instructed to treat their wives as their partner. That is why the culture of some race or religions which put the husbands as sovereign authority and lower the rights of wives to absolute follower in a household should change because this is not the way God wanted marriage to be. God designed marriage as a partnership between husband and wife.

Have you ever asked your wife why she started acting out? What makes her unhappy and unsatisfied in this marriage? Did you actually listen to what she was saying?

Did it occur to you that your wife´s outbursts, mood swings and anger could be influenced by her pregnancy, hormonal changes and physical discomfort? The problem with many husbands is that they take the outbursts of their wife during and after pregnancy PERSONALLY. Husbands should educate themselves more on what physical, emotional and behavioral changes to expect from their wife during pre and post-natal period. Many homes are broken due to this ignorance on the side of husbands.

You went to your mother-in-law to complain about your wife´s behavior expecting her to sympathize with you, but when she confronted you instead, you called her evil and accused her of brainwashing your wife. The fact that you sought your mother-in-law´s sympathy, expected her to side with you or to help you, suggest that you did not see her as evil before the confrontation. If your mother-in-law wanted to negatively affect her daughter´s relationship with you, then she should have done it before her daughter married you and not now that she´s already carrying your second child, unless your mother-in-law believes that she has a valid reason to save her child from this marriage.

But what bothers me most of all is the fact that you beat your very pregnant wife. No amount of disrespect and foul words from her side would excuse your action of violence towards your wife especially that she is pregnant and close to giving birth at that. This is a horrible domestic violence! She can send you to jail for doing this to her. You didn´t put only your wife´s life in danger; you also endangered your baby.

Any woman who has enough self-respect would leave you after what you did to her. If you can hit her when she´s close to giving birth, I believe you can also hit her when she´s not pregnant. It´s easy to assume that you´ve hit her in the past.

Now that she left you and she´s probably going to file for divorce, what should you do?

I understand that the purpose of your email is to ask for help, and I´m going to help you. But please remember that the only person who can win your wife back is you. Force and violence isn´t going to win her back. Below are what I suggest you to do:

1. Accept Accountability

What I see you doing right now is finger pointing. You blame your mother-in-law for being evil and for brainwashing your wife. You blame your wife for being disrespectful towards you and your family. How about you, what do you blame yourself for?

It takes two to tango. It takes you and your wife to ruin your marriage and cause your relationship to deteriorate. This isn’t just about what she did, this is also about what you did or did not do that drove her away.

The things you said your wife did – being disrespect & unsustainable, stealing from you, neglecting home duties, buying & storing properties outside in case this marriage leads to divorce, revealing your private plans, etc. – these are SYMPTOMS of the problems. These are NOT THE CAUSE of your marital problems.

So what I want you to do is take a good look at yourself, put aside the blaming of others, and just focus on yourself. What did you do or did not do that caused your wife to act the way she did?

If you can do it all over again, how would you do it differently so that your wife will feel loved, cared, treasured, and would remain loyal to you?

What would it take you to correct your wrongs? Does it mean sacrificing your ego by humbling down to your wife? Are you ready to lower your pride and be humble in order to win back your wife´s love?

Write down those things you did or did not do which you think contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. Then think of solutions. Be ready to compromise.

2. Take Anger Management Classes

Your wife´s behavior drove you to be physical with her despite your father´s effort to stop you. You hit your wife “heavily”. It doesn´t take a genius to figure out that you have anger management issues.

The fact that she´s your wife, the fact that she´s carrying your child and she´s close to giving birth, the fact that you love her didn´t stop you from hitting her, suggest that you need experts´help in learning to manage your anger.

An emotionally matured man would rather walk away from his furious pregnant wife instead of hitting her heavily.

3. Decide If You Can Really Afford to Win Your Wife Back

The kids who grow up without a father are better off than kids who grow up with a father in an abusive home.

This isn´t just about you and your wife, this is most importantly about your kids. If you and your wife could not afford to compromise and to raise your kids in a loving, healthy and safe environment, then you are better off in separate ways.

Domestic violence has serious effects on kids. The girls will grew up thinking it´s okay for men to hit them, the boys will think it´s okay for them to hit women. Your wife will model her lack of respect to you and your family to the kids. You will also model your inability to control your anger to them.

4. Court Your Wife All Over Again

Should you decide that you want your wife back and you´re willing to compromise, if you are willing to do the work to make your wife happy in your marriage, if you can promise to yourself that will not hit her again no matter what, then you can start courting your wife all over again.

Ask for forgiveness, humble down and show her that you regretted hurting her. No more excuses.

Show her how much she means to you. Show her that you will do everything to win her back. And stand by it.

Show her that you are willing to listen and to understand her frustrations.

Maybe if she sees that you’re a change man you can persuade her to give your marriage another chance.

If you both agree, you may seek help from marriage counselors.

5. Read Books

Did you know that you become what you read? If you want to become a loving husband, read marriage and relationship books for men.

If you want to know how to react to your wife´s actions without breaking your marriage, read How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.

If you want to know how to keep your marriage working, read The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife’s Heart Forever.

If you want to know how to show your wife that you really love her and you want her back, read For Married Men Only: Three Principles for Loving Your Wife.

6. Ask God´s Help

God is never happy seeing husbands and wives separate. God is also not happy when there´s no love in the family. When I was a kid there´s a song I loved to sing:

When Jesus in the family, happy happy home, happy happy home, happy happy home!
When Jesus in the family, happy happy home, happy happy home, happy happy home!

You´ve mentioned that you pray to God. Pray one more time. Pray many more times. Ask him to help you become a better husband to your wife and a better father to your kids. Ask for forgiveness. By hitting your wife you´ve also sinned to God. He appointed you to protect your wife and your family, but you failed Him. Yet God is never deaf to repentant souls and to sincere supplications. He will help you.

I hope this helps. I will bring you and your wife to prayer too. God bless.

How about you, readers? What advice can you give to XJ?

photo credit: lynnepet

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